February 23, 2009

Honesty as a step towards freedom

I finally see me for me.

Recently, I've come to realize that my jealousy and abandonment issues are rooted in insecurity. Many of you might think "duh -"....after all, logically and objectively, it makes perfect sense. But I had turned a blind eye to it when it came to me. For so many years, I blamed others for activating my jealousy and abandonment issues. I would expect others to be sensitive to my past and recurring emotional hurdles. The finger was always pointed outward and I never allowed myself to look at the issues as mine and only mine.

There's a big reason for why I never looked further inside of myself. For as long as I can remember, I have painted a picture of myself as this independent, strong, powerful survivor. This new revelation of deep seated insecurities completely shatter my self-image. My ego was certainly hurt. How can I be weak with insecurities? But in order move beyond my issues, I had to be completely honest with myself -- I had to acknowledge that I am insecure. There, I said it. I am ridiculously insecure in some situations. Sometimes even "scared to death" because of these insecurities. It's not an emotional place I ever want to be in. My thoughts, feelings and actions when I am in an insecure mood are never good and no one around me is better for it.

While I am not a therapist, I do know that acknowledging a problem is the first step. When you are completely honest with yourself about your fears and come to identify the pattern of actions that you take because of those fears, you may start to distinguish the moment in which your fear is about to become activated. In other words, you can train yourself to raise a red flag when you feel like your fears and insecurities are taking over the driver's seat. When the red flag goes up, take a deep deep breath. Become present in the moment, in the Now. Acknowledge the fear (don't resist it). Give yourself a hug in your mind. Then think, speak and act out of love and put fear back in the passenger seat.

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